At funerals, I’m often filled with sadness while others cackle with laughter and trade fond memories of our loved ones. I’ve always admired how some people can celebrate life so quickly in the face of loss. That’s not me. I can barely manage a smile at times.
Recently, while in Mérida, Mexico, I witnessed Día de los Muertos—the Day of the Dead. This holiday is a lively celebration where families honor their loved ones who have passed. What struck me most was the atmosphere: joyful, lighthearted, and bursting with color. There was no heaviness, just love and remembrance. It made me stop and think: why do we, in Western culture, find it so hard to handle death?
Let’s look at how our approach to grief might be holding us back—and how a shift in mindset could help us deal with loss in a healthier way.
How Western Views on Death Have Changed
For centuries, death was a normal part of life. When someone passed, it usually happened at home, surrounded by family, who prepared the body themselves. This closeness made death feel like a natural part of living, and grief was something people shared and accepted.
But in the 1930s, this changed. More people began dying in hospitals instead of at home. Laws regulated who could handle and bury bodies, and funeral directors replaced families as the “experts” on death. And the responsibilities of caring for the dying and deceased were handed over to healthcare workers.
As death became less visible in everyday life, our comfort with grief and mourning faded. Today, society often encourages the bereaved to “stay strong” and “move on.” You might hear someone say the deceased “would have wanted it that way.” These well-meaning words often rush us past grief instead of letting us fully process it.
This avoidance is troubling because we all know life is short and death is inevitable. Yet, we often act as though we can sidestep it altogether.
What Older Generations Teach Us About Embracing Life
Could we be happier if we accepted that life is short? Research by psychologist Laura Carstensen suggests we could. Her studies show that as people age, they often become happier and more content. She believes this shift happens because older people have a greater awareness of life’s impermanence.
When we deeply understand that life is fragile, we savor the good moments more. Older adults often focus on the positive and spend their time nurturing relationships and cherishing memories.
For younger people, death can feel far away, even though they know it’s inevitable. Research shows that younger people are more likely to focus on negative experiences as they try to make sense of the world. So it’s understandable that they dwell more on the pain of loss rather than carrying forward the positive memories.
Rethinking Our Approach to Grief
Our culture tends to downplay grief, pushing us to “let go” and “find closure” rather than allowing us to process our feelings fully. Maybe it’s time to change that. What if, instead of viewing grief as something to “get over,” we saw it as part of our life journey?
What if we, like older generations, learned to cherish the present while holding onto the happy memories of those we’ve lost?
Perhaps then, death wouldn’t feel like just sorrow. It could also be a reminder to be grateful for our time with our loved ones. By accepting both life and death, we might find a balance: a way to honor our grief without being consumed by it and a way to celebrate our memories while still feeling the loss.
